Talk about lineage. I wonder, did the gadol from whom my family is directly descended think about what his legacy would be? Surely my cousins and such, the pious people who personify sacrifice and total faith in Gd, have upheld it. But did he think about my family in particular? Should someone studying him decide to track down every descendant, would they be surprised or cynically expectant to see how many of us have decided not to carry on this tradition?
The fact that I feel guilty about having such rich heritage and feeling inadequate to uphold it might even be unnecessary. I doubt someone so great would have been thinking about his mark on the world, as so many of us do. Perhaps it was a sign of his greatness. In which case we are blameless, we descendants, following our own dreams and throwing off the burden of pre-existing expectations. Remember, yichus is only a bunch of zeros unless you put a one in front of them! Am I a one? Am I a difference to the nonexistent quantity, the difference that makes it worth so much? Do I want to be? Beyond the point of it being cool, do I really have a different genetic makeup to allow me to be better than my peers? I doubt it. But maybe I do.
At least I’m a woman. Less is expected of me. I have to marry the next son-in-law to carry on the dynasty. What if I choose to defy expectations, something I have put off for so long? My defiance consists of watching movies my mother would not like me to watch, going on websites my mother would not like me to go on. I’m older now, though; should I wish to continue expressing individuality, fight boxes rules impose, it must now be on a larger scale. Do I really want that, though? I enjoy the comfort of being good. No one can touch you when you are good. You are impervious, perfect, unmovable. Perfection may come at a cost, but at least you are not alone: there are people with you, behind you, both alive and dead. Because the dead are unmovable as well.

what i once couldn't have suddenly became a possibility ... i thought about it, decided i no longer wanted it ... to find out it was never a possibility at all ... i'm merely an alternative ... and i'm all the stronger because of it.

The idea of a relationship with a partner baffles me. I guess this comes from an attempt at a total blockoff from all things male under the age of 35 in high school. It didn't work, of course, but that doesn't mean it didn't have an effect on me either. After so long being the only person privy to my deepest secrets unless (frequently) coerced into giving them over to my sister or friend, willingly sharing my life with another person doesn't seem like such an available option. Of course, this might be because of an intrinsic fear that developed after my first boyfriend that eventually I will probably dump whoever it is I am dating at the time, because quite frankly, I'm very cynical about finding my husband as easily as finding a boyfriend. My Initial Attraction mode borders on infatuation and lasts for about a month or two until the curse of my family takes its course and I move into Bored Girlfriend mode, trying to think of ways to get this annoying person off my back. Maybe it takes practice. Hey, this time I knew after a week.

Today was a real rollercoaster. My close cousin is getting married this Thursday, a fact I had somehow quenched in my subconscious until this afternoon. Unfortunately I will not be joining in the celebratory rituals, as I didn't in the legal ones over eighteen months ago. According to my father it's because he can't afford it. I forgot to ask him if maybe he got a raise since my aunt finally met my cousin's legal - soon to be halachic - wife. Gd really works in mysterious ways, I don't think anyone this side of gravity thought either party would ever agree to meet. Tip of the hat to my uncle, of course, for pushing it. I gotta say, he's good.
At least now I can add this to the list of events that should have happened when I was still living at home.